Receding in stillness is my unborn child's misery Age sweeping passed but I can barely catch up Cryogenic longing rests flat-lined in its chrysalis How long till misguided hands release it from its slumber? How long till time sweeps this thing out of history? Projected outcomes negative, cycling thoughts defeating, but Shuffling around in nervousness, surprise! Warmth springs from eyes alighted in beauty from the sidelines Her breeze as she passes is a whirlwind around me Blowing my mind to the farthest reach of sanity Catapulting madly in rhododendron honey Flying on cloudy manes of heart-melting drumming Vocal chords align beyond any existing symphony Protein strands gliding, sparkling, glistening Proportions advanced mathematicians would find stunning System overheating, every cell beyond capacity Short stalk of courage blooming Mouth movements managing a "How are you doing??" And a well-practiced smile salutes a seering second As insignificance births a dark night's blue projection A ceiling brings narrowing of mingling with foresight I am a balloon deflating until barely a pimple in the abscess of God's eye

And on that first day Caught in soupy harmony I'd smiled for the first time with belonging since I came here Weaving through city streets You introduce new experiences I never thought I could enjoy And at the end of awkward nights When you'd embrace me so tight My fear was whittling away Oh spacious sky hovering high Mouth is moving in mysterious ways Organically and honestly Revealing part of a beating heart That wasting piece of shit! Unexercized and atrophied A memory of being 14 surfaces A piece of history I thought I'd buried Accepting defeat In the greener days of youth I fell in love for the first time With a beautiful and caring girl As a shy and pathetic boy I still remember when we first kissed Remember laying in her arms Drowning in parental anguish Drowning in teenage grief Drowning in our love Our universe made for 2 Oh, the lunacy of obsession still seems romantic, pure, and cute And over-dramatic imagery doesn't spoil memories of you And what did I ever learn from this? What man have I become, Where the only thing that matters, Is returning to a similar love? Time is no singularity Biology wrinkles separately From consciousnesses freezing Preserved in crooked infancy It thaws for each one differently It hasn't thawed for me

Dreams alight from below me Your hair parts oceans of unending chaos in my heart Receding into absence is my word Repeating its severance is your world Gazing distantly as if at clouds from the mountaintop The only action granted; observation, admiration Quarantined in reparational cells Outsourced duties of marital underwealmth My window dreams of a sunset's fingers Breaching solidified barriers of ice Caressing hidden appendages in my eyes (An ancient voice only in stories Guiding word from throat leaks) Shattered in bondage is your wisdom You dangle the rope that grabs my neck Ignorant to its meaning, an accident But there's no taking back Wishing upon a mother for direction A general indication of where I'll find him Quarantined in faulty, oppositional force-fields Godless in there failures, a regression Permeating air in undefined structure Messages ejaculating in wisdom's transience I've swallowed, and swallowed your mess I've swallowed the bastard children of a hundred men There is nothing left There is no one left There's confusion There's uncertainty There is wishing upon fluorescent light for emancipating catastrophic rewinding A marbled grey sky like the ribeye of my heart's container Sentience permeates the melancholic beauty at my retinas The universe, in its infinite sadness, may cry its innocent, heavy tears soon Osmosis breaks through barriers of invented manliness One practiced for an argument with the sky's crushing weight Succumb to the water, breathe deeply its story Succumb to the colors, melt them sweetly with your own

Happiness built on the crumbling stilts of a House full of lecherous dust Allergens free-floating, dancing like traffic stops Sneezing, the ground shakes And how you might look in my direction! Pleading, bloody slashes flow faintly in the darkness Magnetic tears wrap their weight on you Remember the first time we climbed up the mountain So infant, and free, and light The woods speak with Fate's ever fluctuous weight So beautiful, cryptic, and sacred Chemicals training for an ultimate sacrifice Prediction disrupted in unthinking haste But the trees in their infinite patience and sight Sway gently as a storm swirls, collecting its might (My children are yours if you want them Hallucinating heart beating with love and heat and honesty My children are yours if you'll take them Your legs glisten sweetly with their last hope of existence) Rolling nights I hug you, you hug me so tight Unraveling A deepening chasm of chaotic relation "You hate me! I know it!" No, it's alright... It's only a nightmare Delusions of past life Words spray now with aerosol ease In comfort, in trust, now I find I love you, but that's pretty god damn dumb Happiness built on the blood of neurotic dreams Loneliness and childish manipulation seeking Earthquaking, desperate beads of insanity My best friend, in two years, in climactic synergy Olive whispering playing such skin tingling melodies Nuclear neuronic World War III Olive branches tazing my nerve endings blissfully Baring my being, you're the first to see Hold me close(You're a ghost) Stay with me!(A haunting dream) Remember the last time we scaled up that mountain Flashing arcs illuminating eyes The woods speak with Fate's ever fluctuous weight Beginnings and endings alike Strengthened and attentive, unknowing of tonight How a few words can change a life! But the trees in their infinite acceptance of the cycles Have surely before seen such crushing euphoria

Consequences only an afterthought Imagine being the first poor bastard to eat a Deathcap Adventuring and hungry, when a specimen appears Satisfies your appetite, then steals away your years And you never know what hit you And nobody else understands Days passed by unaware of it Suddenly face down in a pile of your own shit Could you have done it differently? Could you have ever known? An exercize in being human to grind the dust outta' bone In transition into Autumn A beam of revelation A juxtapose of misery, and hope, and lurid light Praying for a miracle Preying on misfortune Reading through the ever-weaving labyrinth of God's hands I've seen the fate, yes, I've seen the fate...... Loneliness is crushing in its infinite potential They say "Don't you seek it out, and it'll happen when it happens!" But tenure was long secured Now happening like some cheap-skate cheating his way into fortune Starving, desperate, unsatisfied, unthinking An alcoholic stir-fry skidding perilously down throats tonight Unrestraining Such a beautiful day We fly, my heart elated glowing bright An end in sight Resigning good night's satisfaction But you pull me aside and whisper magic in my ears Oh freeing flight! Radiant warmth of body! Enveloping, I can feel for the first time! But no, no, no a deeper truth looms underneath What an idiot I am as I'm stumbling through the moments Flinging words in every direction with carelessness A short stack of bodies gains another to its number For the bleeding out of freshly severed limbs that you had fused with for whatever reason Meaningless, a torrent in the afternoon Positioned across We are locked between the eyes Charged particles unexplainable by physicists or my philosophy are unphysically igniting in beautiful ways that they shouldn't b-- "Wait! You blinked!!!" Maybe kissing is just like riding a bike... When you offered to kiss me one night How could I refuse? A logical progression sees us opening a door That opportunity knocking I'd no strength to ignore One by one articles of protection scatter ground Revealing depths of human nature I'd never known "What do you want?" still echoes through the corridors of my thoughts But the answer, an insect buzzing anxiously 'round your earlobe

Ryuji sits on a fence as he teeters between the two sides With the cold post of opinion drilled up his asshole Shivering with despair at the impending consensus He awaits the falling into non-existence "Taiga! You dork! I loved you all along But they say it ain't my nature Just a mindless dick becoming long So sayonara my best friend I'll bathe here in my guiltiness" ("Just be happy you got laid man It's just selfishness, power trips", or whatever ugly motive fits) It's such a beautiful world Why am I so ugly? Such a beautiful universe Why is it so unloving The only certainties in life are death and heartbreak

In slippered feet aligned in crooked stumbles, forward march! In jerking off Time in its adolescent uselessness Staving off the villainy of cranial marathon Projected image attention grabs another by the cock Now diseased and deflating, an autonomic derousal Carouselling through history, an image bloodies Smeared in confusion, don't make me face this now Hiding again in chrysalis, don't try to break me out Lately it's these inartistic delusions that soften the blow "Yoko, Yoko, Yu is dead Stabbed, fucked, and strangled The blood soaks through my hands I could never save you, I couldn't get out of bed I couldn't control my erection now in the loony bin again" In need of understanding Searching and seeking and reaching for answers Discomfort and uncertainty Drowning and binging and swallowing these moments away In the stories of undeveloping, fantastical avoidances of a new and brighter present Production delayed Carving lines across my face A fantasizing heart-muscle working out its wishes The coldness of Real Life is aging regardless It cares not for those whose directives it ruined I sleep and repeat ad infinitum 1D40 roll on the outlook today Wishing for the best, dreams are random in display Dreams are hidden control tower radio wave messaging "Mayday!" Overwhelming signals race fast into destruction Freudian death impulse ray arming itself Disarming, disarming, disarming the tension (Blow your head off) Eat, sleep, repeat, drink, masturbate, retreat Coward black sheep bleating Drink, eat, retreat Recede into villainy, "you're a monster in heat!" Shameful/obsolete Blue-screening weekly is no means for sympathy You know what you're doing Fucking fix it

No man is so privileged as to deny himself his nature Least not that I've seen, but I've seen only a few things Rocking back and forth on the pendulum of a stiff drink A desperation seeps into a lascivious dream What does it mean? Sharp as dull sickles are the feet that grip the ground Replacement so critical, in my obsession we drown Standing on the corner watching wishfully as they go by A summertime extravagance, drooling o'er that sweet, dividing line A strange bit gripped the shifting, hidden mass of innervation Faulty teardrops of repulsive intention(/falsified consummation\) condensating upon relation Drowning in endless recollection Desperate, euphoric injection My room still smells of its remnants My room still smells of rejection How long can this go on?

I just wanna sleep For the waking world brings misery At least in my dreams sometimes I can kiss you Though mostly they're bleak In the nighttime there are strangers chasing after me Or vivid replications of shameful routines Still it's better than the mundane, droning, empty repeating of every day A late bloomer's belated knowing The strain of eye-beams becoming clear Glaring sensors shooting off At the spearheads of my beard Muscles in mechanical motion Does every step crash down with threatening force? Can a man not bloom into shining flowers Just a dirty pile of soil? Well, every note I wrote this year is overflowing with a feeling A raging mass of distorted wishing Disgusting and annoying But I can't cease its beautiful, bloody stampeding And maybe I proved their point in being incapable of letting go But for once in my adult life I felt like a human Maybe love is a serial killer Throwing me in its basement Smiling as it locks its restraints Maybe it's pathology infecting neurotic dreams of infancy And everyone else is right to say "there's more to life" Could it be that I'm the monster following all of your movements Haunting the air the surrounds you Suffocating your freedom and happiness A slobbering annoyance Desperately holding onto delusions of empathy and comfort, trust, and friendship But in reality just an insane, scary Man

Will I share a star in the sky? Or at least a loving house with you? Do I drift away like water Evaporating into a black hole of impotence? You fire your thunderball thrice You harness the power of this generation In in the infinite sea of possibilities My selfish with is a grain in the cosmic glass Crushed by the weight of the rest God will put into action Now zapping away at synapses An impulsive sharpshooter penetrating my nanoweb defenses Memories enter quantum probability space Superpositioned images burned into a collapsed state Years filled with meaning erased I'm no longer sure they ever existed Broken anathemic risings become a scourge upon your ecstasy Sob-sack pestilence in indignant breach of boundary Control is for the working man, not useless fucks like us Impulse triggered in rose eyes turned bloodshot for psychotic fright Ambivalence winks over my cold shoulder after pounding the last nail in the coffin of correspondence Infinite timelines play out as movies in my thoughts Infinite moodiness modulates with the contents of their plots (Maybe you're thinking about me Maybe you want to destroy me Maybe I still love you No, fuck you! Maybe I am nothing Maybe I don't know you) Can I have my star? My children may never be human But I'd like to see them grow regardless Searching and searching and searching for a loophole But am I any closer than ten years ago? I thought I'd finally found you But like always, just found a meaningless death trap

Receding in stillness is my unborn child's potential Dried up in garments thrown in lazy, unthinking haste I should've burned and forgotten it long ago But clinging as a treasure, the smell has since left Like the stains on my bedsheets, the meaning disappeared Like the warmth of your skin, the joy has disappeared The crumbling stilts gave way and now you won't even look at me (and me at you, for that matter...) All that's left are belated lessons and this stupid, embarrassing record Olive dawn ruins solidified in memory Granting an insight into what it means to be Fucked up in passivity Fucked up in moronic ways of dealing with my feeling Now what becomes from today? Freedom is only found in living out experiences The only superpower lies in understanding Destitute and infantile in isolation's clinging arms I hope I keep you with me as a guiding demon for a better future Your phantom shape haunts me in my working hours Schizophrenic melodies ring out but can't exist for me Breeding new attempts of infinite futility Pathetic words rolling through this pathetic symphony My ashen remains infused in your blood Beating fresh guilt through the stream of our existence I'd love to steal them back But unconsciousness' law swings down with divine force(Is that it?) Olive dawn ruins still glow with ashen energy The memories still scream at me beating a horse's dead remains Fucked up is your neural pathway grown and fucked and left as a screenplay A crushing failure's ever-repeating of how beautiful life could've been "God is a place you will wait for the rest of life" Festering in the shit guidance that it provides "Seems like folks turn into things that they never want" They got it all wrong when They preached about Growing Up Sometimes being alive is a waste of time Sometimes Fate's guidance is sadistic Sometimes things end before you really want them